Epilogue, Part 2
by OCDdegrassi
Summary: The Weasley's react to J.K. Rowling's "fake" epilogue/Weasley family tree. Crack.


**Title:** Epilogue, Pt. 2  
><strong>Author:<strong> OCDdegrassi  
><strong>Pairing:<strong> Gen, but includes all canon pairings in the epilogue  
><strong>Rating:<strong> T (just to be safe for vulgar language)  
><strong>Warning:<strong> Language, EWE, Crack, OOC  
><strong>Note:<strong> I told myself that I would never write a "characters read the books/see the movies" story, but this plot bunny hopped into my head and wouldn't leave. It's complete and utter crack, and I have absolutely no excuse. It's not meant to be taken seriously. It's pretty ridiculous and pointless, but hopefully you will find it at least a little bit funny or entertaining.

xxx

It was a quiet day at the Burrow – well, as quiet as a house can get with 9 occupants. Molly and Arthur Weasley, along with their 7 children, were all sitting around the kitchen table, digging into their breakfast.

Charlie was visiting from Romania, and Bill was spending time at the Burrow while Fleur visited her family in France. Hermione was reconnecting with her parents after restoring their memory, and Harry was busying with his Auror duties.

The family was munching happily on their pancakes, eggs and bacon when their owl suddenly smacked into the window and fell backwards. There were a few eye rolls, but nobody reacted much, seeing as this was a usual occurrence.

Ron went outside to retrieve the bird and post from under the window, and a moment later, he came barreling back inside, waving the parchment over his head frantically. Everyone's attention was switched to the youngest Weasley boy, their breakfast forgotten (aside from Charlie, who shoved another pancake into his mouth).

"What is it?" Arthur asked his youngest son with concern. It must be important if Ron was so worked up about it. Either that or it was about the Chudley Cannons. That was always possible too.

"It's the newest release from J.K. Rowling!" Ron shouted, slamming the parchment down onto the table. Charlie looked up from his pancakes with a confused expression.

"Who?" He inquired, as the rest of the Weasley's sighed or rolled their eyes at his bad memory.

"You know, the woman who recorded our lives," Ginny answered, waving her hand dismissively as she craned her neck to try and see what was written on the parchment. Charlie immediately scowled.

"You mean the one who barely included me in the books at all?" He shot back angrily, and Bill rolled his eyes.

"It's been 7 years, Charlie. Get over it," he retorted, but Charlie merely sat back and crossed his arms, his scowl deepening.

"I led a horde of dragons into the final battle to help defeat Voldemort, and she didn't even mention my name!" He exclaimed indignantly. The rest of the Weasley's ignored him. They were used to this argument by now. They had been hearing it for 7 years now.

"Well, you did skip the first interview," Molly said lightly, and Charlie growled.

"I was helping to hatch 3 baby dragons!" He bellowed. George rolled his eyes.

"Excuses, excuses," he muttered softly, but Charlie heard him anyway and pouted.

"At least she didn't make you supposedly abandon your family," Percy complained.

"Well your character was rather boring, Perce. She was just trying to add some excitement," Ron remarked.

"It lasted for 3 books!" Percy exclaimed in annoyance.

"Hey, at least she didn't kill you guys off in the books!" Fred countered, and everyone had to admit that he had a point, nodding their heads in agreement.

"Alright, you win," Percy conceded, but it still didn't stop Charlie from continuing to pout at his lack of action in the books.

"So what's this then?" Ginny asked, trying to return their attention to the topic at hand, i.e. the parchment.

"It's our future family tree, apparently," Arthur replied, looking rather intrigued. Everyone scrambled around the table to get a better look. Fred scowled.

"She's still telling people that I'm dead! I'm not dead woman!" He shouted into the air, as if the all-powerful writer could hear him. George shrugged.

"I told you not to dye her hair blue at that last interview," he commented casually, and Fred grumbled.

"It was just a joke! She needs to stop being so damn sensitive!" He sat back in his chair and proceeded to take over the role of the "pouting Weasley" for the time being, seeing as Charlie had given up in favor of looking at the parchment. Molly rolled her eyes.

"I warned you that your pranks would get you into trouble one day. And now look what's happened!" She proclaimed, as if she had known what would happen all along, and Fred rolled his eyes.

"Who the fuck is Audrey?" came Percy's incredulous voice. Ron furrowed his brows in confusion.

"I thought you were dating Penelope," he questioned, and Percy looked as flabbergasted as his little brother.

"So did I!" he declared, an air of disbelief in his voice.

"Maybe she's going to cheat on you!" George supplied helpfully. Percy gave him a blank look.

"Gee, thanks," he retorted sarcastically, and George grinned.

"Anytime," he replied, ignoring the scowl that Percy sent his way. Charlie was frowning.

"So she didn't even give me a wife? Damn, that woman knows how to hold a grudge!" He complained, and Bill snickered.

"Maybe she thinks you're gay," he stated, and Charlie scowled and punched him in the arm.

"Oi, George! I supposedly die all heroically, and you steal my girl? Harsh bro," Fred exclaimed, but George merely shrugged.

"Well, Angelina is hot," he said to defend his make-believe future-self. Bill groaned.

"Oh no! I have two part Veela daughters. I'll never survive! Quick, Charlie, switch places with me!" He stood up, undressing to switch clothes with Charlie, who seemed to be considering the suggestion. He did need a wife, after all, and Fleur was hot. Molly rolled her eyes.

"I hate to ruin your brilliant plan, dear, but I think Fleur will be able to tell the difference between you two." Bill opened his mouth to speak, but Molly lifted her hand to silence him.

"Even if you do switch clothes," she added, and Bill slumped, sitting back down in defeat.

"Oi, cheer up. Maybe it won't be so bad. They could both have the Weasley red hair and freckles," Ron replied, trying to cheer his older brother up. All of a sudden, Fleur popped into the room.

"Zey better not!" She yelled, before popping back out, leaving everyone bewildered and wondering if part-Veelas had some sort of super-power that alerted them whenever someone was talking about them or their future, make-believe children. Ginny looked at the parchment in annoyance.

"Albus Severus? What kind of a name is Albus Severus? And why didn't I get a say in any of our children's names? I'm the one that carried them!" She protested. Damn Boy-Who-Saved-The-Wizarding-World, thinking that he had the right to name their children after his numerous dead friends and family.

"And why did you pick 'Luna' for your daughter's middle name? Why didn't you choose Nymphadora? Luna's not even dead!" Fred wondered in bewilderment.

"Probably because I was so desperate to name at least one of my children after my friends," Ginny grumbled under her breath, but everyone heard her anyway.

"It's not like you had many friends anyway," Ron retorted, trying to defend his best friend, and Ginny glared fiercely at him while Charlie and the twins sniggered.

"You know, I went to Hogwarts with a Roxanne. We always called her Foxy Roxy. Lot of good memories with that one, and not just for me, if you know what I mean," Charlie recalled, grinning widely and waggling his eyebrows suggestively. George growled and tackled him to the floor.

"Who the fuck is Audrey?" Percy repeated, still at a loss from this strange turn of events. Bill rolled his eyes.

"Get over it, Perce. We've moved on to talking about our hypothetical future children now," he replied matter-of-factly, and Ron groaned.

"Seriously? Hugo? What kind of name is Hugo?" He wailed.

"Maybe Hermione borrowed Harry's list of 'World's Worst Baby Names'," Charlie commented, after standing up from the floor where George had tackled him.

"You know, it's kind of creepy that you named your kid after me when you're banging my ex-girlfriend," Fred stated calmly, stroking his chin in faux-contemplation. George looked thoughtful for a moment.

"You know, you're right, Fred. I think I'll change his name to Charlie, since he's all alone with no one to pass down his name to," he responded seriously, getting back at his older brother for the 'Foxy Roxy' comment.

"Oi!" Charlie yelled, punching George in the arm.

"Oh Percy, you named your daughter after me! How sweet!" Molly exclaimed, throwing herself against Percy to hug him as she started to cry.

"I would've named one of my daughters after you, but apparently I had no say in my children's names," Bill grumbled in response.

"Join the club!" Ginny and Ron both added.

"Are we related to Luna?" Percy asked.

"I don't think so," Arthur replied. They did have a large family, so people were bound to get lost in the shuffle sometimes, but he was fairly certain that he would remember being related to someone as _unique_ as Luna.

"Then why is she on our family tree?" Percy questioned, and everyone looked at the parchment.

"Aww, she didn't marry Neville. But they were so cute together!" George sighed sadly. Everyone looked at him, and he quickly schooled his expression to one of disinterest and cleared his throat.

"I mean, who cares about an awesome couple that could have been so happy together? I'm just going to go upstairs and *not* cry." His voice broke at the end, and he ran up the stairs to his old bedroom. Everyone watched him go in silence before turning back towards each other and continuing as if nothing had happened.

"Well, Rose is a pretty name," Molly pointed out.

"That's true. It goes well with Lily...and Fleur… Petunia…Lavender…Pansy…you know, I'm sensing a pattern in our lives," Bill added thoughtfully.

"Yea, a pattern of flower power!" Fred exclaimed excitedly, ignoring the odd looks that he was receiving from his family.

"So… James Sirius. Was Harry serious? Get it? Serious?" Charlie said, laughing at his own joke. Fred shook his head in disappointment at his brother's pathetic attempt at humor while Molly tried to hide her smile. Ginny threw her hands up in the air.

"I give up! J.K. Rowling is an insane, cruel woman!" She shouted, and everyone nodded their heads in complete agreement.

Percy turned to glare at the 7th book, which was sitting on the bookshelf nearby, and asked the offending object: "What did I buy you for? To make me sad?"

xxx

**A/N:** Game of Thrones reference at the end! I couldn't help it. Reviews are lovely. Flames are not.


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